DAY 215: December 5, 2010; SUNDAY

226 (and then some)
Days of "Strawberry Jam" without "J"

Dear Jam,

You were fetched early today. There was a sense of mild torture tugging at my heartstrings when I took this picture. But I had to - for memory-sake. It looks here that you are a little confused. You may have sensed something was going on. You will be with Mamala and Papalo at Carmen, Ninang Van drove all of you back to Carmen. God bless their hearts for being so understanding, taking the time to watch over you. You will be with them for a while and a little later in the afternoon, Mamilou and Nahnang will fetch you to bring you to Kauswagan.

I was ambivalent when you left. I must have rushed to take a bath and multi-task at cleaning the house like a real stay-at-home Mom at the same time, giving myself the rightful pampering like a real celebrity most people think me to be. Little do they know that in me wasn't only a struggle of these two apparent roles but an inward battle of the person who wants to stay with you all day long and the person who wants to go out and be part of the world. I planned to take Bucky with me, I splashed some of your cologne on it, took pictures with it as if it was you but I decided that I didn't want that to be a distraction. Dear me, who is having the separation anxiety now, huh?

You know, our pet plant "Stray" is getting bigger. I can't wait to see it grow into a "simon" someday. I hope before anyone else plucks that out of our kitchen. It has proven to be a lovely addition to our family; you, me, Bucky, Crookshanks and the other stuffed animals.

I passed by STARBUCKS before proceeding to our meeting spot. I didn't want to spend but I was ready to keel over with a stomach less of breakfast and lunch - and dinner later on, to be sure. What is so cute though and even more a torture was when I saw this mother-daughter tandem. They were a team. Then I saw you and I. Suddenly, I wanted to break down and cry. We have to face the reality that it's just going to be you and me most of the time. So we might as well be a team to get through it. You know we used the word "torture" by the way when Daddy and I were starting. We didn't meet the first time we got acquainted and it wasn't until two weeks of texting and calling did we actual meet face to face. The two weeks was a torture and the nine months that ensued when he took his second International assignment.

JAMantic of the Day:
I called you as soon as we got to the hotel, which wasn't until 2300Hrs. We were all tired by then from rehearsals. But I just had to call you. Miss Earth 2010 was noisy in the background and you weren't talking for a good two minutes. I finally felt the anxiety to listen to your voice as I'm sure how Daddy feels. I had to keep coaching you to say something and it wasn't until I said Goodnight and I love you did you respond. You could only say "Mommy" and "Mommy" to mean "Goodnight Mommy" and "I love you Mommy". My night is better and I can sleep.

Your Mommy,